Sep 2, 2014
SITE: http://www.courtneyanderson.com/swca-episode-181-help-situation-spotlight-series-a-work-colleague-has-experienced-a-tragic-death-of-a-loved-one-what-should-i-do.html
SHOW NOTES: The HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series addresses challenges, obstacles and problems (real or perceived) that are preventing a person from surpassing their goals! In this series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared. This episode is, “A Work Colleague Has Experienced A Tragic Death of A Loved One. What Should I Do?”
Life. Death is a reality for all of us. A tragic death (accident, homicide, suicide, etc.) is not. What do you do if a tragic death becomes a reality for a work colleague?
1) Be there.
2) Listen.
If you have experienced a tragic death in your life you have an advantage (in some respects) when your work colleague experiences one in their lives. The compassion, empathy and understanding that a tragic death survivor is able to provide to another person is an asset.
The natural aversion to the colleague (from people who have not experienced a real life tragic death themselves) is understandable at some level. We all hear about tragic death. It is on the news. It is in our media in film, music, poetry, video games, etc., yet that is an abstract awareness devoid of the devastation of the actual child, spouse, friend, boss, parent, partner, that we know who is gone.
The most ‘helpful’ things you should do, I repeat:
1) Be there.
2) Listen.
I learned about these types of situations when my only sibling committed suicide.
With a tragic death there are also the extra issues to deal with in many instances of media inquires and coverage. This forces public attention on the survivors. In many instances it is the only public information about their loved one and it defines their entire life into often graphic and painful details of their demise. The loved one with a name, a personality, a special smile, is reduced to a headline. I still remember the online complaints on the local news sites that the police investigation into my sibling’s death was blocking traffic and how people were angry and inconvenienced by the delays. Wow. People.
I) DO NOT:
a) Discuss your belief system (religious, spiritual, atheistic, scientific, etc.). It gives you comfort and that is fantastic. Yet, this situation is not about you. If you believe that it is “better” for the loved one or that they are “being punished” this is not the time for sharing. Even if you and your work colleague have previously shared about your similar beliefs (in other contexts), this is not the time. Do not add to the burden of the work colleague right now (addressing some conversation about beliefs, etc.). Do not.
b) Discuss your own life and how “grateful” you are that your child, parent, friend, spouse, etc., is alive and not the victim of a tragic death. Do not share how “it could have been my child.”
c) Discuss how “you understand how it feels” (and then talk about a non tragic death such as when your great grandfather died naturally at 105 years old or how your sister was ill last year but is still alive). The tragic death and non-tragic death are not the same. Your failure to acknowledge that is a burden to your work colleague.
d) Discuss how you “can’t imagine” what they are going through. Duh. So, why say it. Do you think they wanted to imagine or experience this?
e) Ask them “how they are?” You know how they are. Just say “hello” instead.
f) Try to “change the subject” as there is no other subject. I know it is so painful to listen to them but you must.
g) Do not judge them. They are in agony. They may say things that are shocking or painful for you to hear. Do not judge. Just listen.
h) Do not burden the colleague. They are not equipped to handle it right now (no matter how they are acting or how they “seem” to be to you).
I know that many people say that they don’t know what to say so that is why these types of inappropriate content spill out of their mouths. This show is intended to address exactly that issue. You don’t need to say anything.
Shut-up.
This is not about you. Your nervous talking is not helping. Do not pester the work colleague with questions even if well intentioned (“how can I help”, “what time is the service”, “do you want me to cover for you in the meeting next week”, etc.). Shut-up.
The most ‘helpful’ things you should do, I repeat:
1) Be there.
2) Listen.
Do monitor the person for basic survival issues (hydration, food, sleep). Bring them something to drink. Bring them something to eat. Sit with them and make sure they drink something. Don’t say anything about it, just give it to them. Then keep listening. I know that the desire to leave is incredibly strong. Everyone wants the tragedy to “go away.” No one more than the colleague whose loved one is dead. Yet, they are not able to “leave it” so if you volunteer to be there with them and listen, it is truly brave (and appreciated). Listen.
NOTE: If the work colleague who is grieving shows signs that need professional help, get it for them immediately! They may have physical and/ or psychological situations that require professional help (dehydration, self harm, post traumatic stress disorder, etc.) Contact emergency services immediately! Better safe than sorry.
II) DO:
a) Educate yourself about some of the research on grief (which is heightened and enhanced with a tragic death):
i) There are no rules.
We often think of [...]
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